Stuff in My Head

There is so much stuff that keeps reverberating in my head from the past few months. Tonight, a good friend told me that she thought I was handling this whole thing remarkably well. I don't really know about that.

There are so many things I want to write about. Get off my chest. So many things I wish I could sort of vomit out of my life. We all traveled to New Jersey last weekend for the final service. The service was unbelievable. Perhaps it was sitting in the church where my brother and I were christened, where my parents were married, where my aunts were married, where my great-grandparents went to church and my grandmother grew in her faith... Or maybe it was just being in New Jersey -- realizing that my husband's father grew up two small towns over from where my whole family lived. Or maybe it was knowing that my grandmother, the most important woman in my life, was really really really gone from this earth.

After packing up the car to drive over to our flight in Jacksonville, I reached for my phone to call Grami -- to tell her we were on our way. I couldn't help but laugh. And then, cry. As soon as the racking sobs seem to take over my life - they're gone. Wet eyelashes, that's what I've got.

And the parents - the oh so crazy, ridiculous folks that gave me life? Well, I suppose I am forever thankful for entrance into this family - my grandmother, my two aunts, my two uncles - great aunts and uncles and some cousins that are entirely too much fun.

I was incredibly nervous before Saturday. I was apprehensive leaving Florida, anxious while getting ready before the service. It was bad. Until I figured out why -- and after I named that fear, it was gone. Maybe that Saturday will be last time I see my natural parents, maybe not. Either way, I know that I will never have to interact with them again, and that is good.

We brown bagged at a fantastic Italian joint on Friday night. K. was sure it was "connected." I talked with Aunt Patty at length - for the first time feeling like a real, grown-up adult. I have bonded with both of my uncles in new ways. We're planning a Kids Table Reunion that should be quite the party. I met some of my grandmother's oldest friends - smiled and introduced my husband. I realized that I am the eldest of my generation and will most likely be the first to start the next one. I am amazed at all the treasures that are before us.

And, oh my God, I miss you Gram.