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Wednesday, August 06, 2008

You don't know how to be happy.

Published by cck at 10:18 PM

And other encouraging thoughts from my husband. (I should write a book).

The first (and second and third) time he mentioned that I might have a little problem accepting the status quo, I didn't take it very well. I considered the source - my sweet partner doesn't always have a firm grip on reality. Of course I like being happy - it's natural, normal.

That is, until I realized that it's normal and natural for everyone, just not me. In my land, I always had to be prepared, anticipating the next problem and crisis. My ability to be spontaneous wasn't just a skill that floated beyond my grasp - it was as foreign an idea as supporting Dubya. After years of conditioning myself to prepare for the worst possible situation, I realized that the only one creating and/or perpetuating the worst possible situation was me.

My husband, my mate who often - and at his own peril, holds a mirror up to my biggest problems was right. I don't know what to do if I'm not (badly) trying to take care of some problem - real or imagined. Dude, this was a big honking thing to realize. HUGE.

What do you do if you realize that your soul seems to reject being happy? As much as I consciously tried to make myself happy, it didn't seem to work. God helps those that helps themselves, right? I finally felt financially secure, I was losing weight, I was working out, my marriage was going really well, I could handle thinking about my past without the feeling of an elephant on my chest. And yet still, nothing seemed to work. Happiness was a fleeting feeling. It visited, but only for the occasional happy hour.

Thus, I sat down with my soul. I invited some big guns - somewhere along the way I got the idea that I was the right arm of God (I'm not). You know what happens when you really give a problem up to the elements? I mean really believe that the higher power in all its glory can actually do something about the tangible thing going on in your day to day life? It gets better.

And I don't even have to lower my expectations like the Danish.